Fucking, bumping uglies, the horizontal mambo, naked play, rumpy pumpy, hiding the bishop, making love; call it what you will — the search for sexual fulfillment is universal.
But good sex is hard to find whether you’re young, old, straight, queer, a fetishist, vanilla or a virgin. If you’re a human being, sex and relationships are issues.
The goal of this column is to help you help yourselves be better partners, lovers and counsellors for the people in your life. But, to help you, we need to hear about your problems, issues and conundrums. Write us at sex@martlet.ca.
Having said that, there are a few simple things we think everyone should know, so here are Laying It Out’s Lay Basics.
Principles
“It’s about principles not practices,” said R.B.J.Walker. So, here’s how we see the basic principles of good sex and sexual relationships.
G.G.G.: Good, Giving, Game as defined by Dan Savage. Think ‘good in bed,’ ‘giving equal time and equal pleasure,’ and ‘game for anything — within reason.’
Respect: “Respect when I come home,” said Aretha Franklin, and that’s true for all of us. Respect yourself, respect your partner. While some people may be turned on by degradation, that should only come as part of mutual sex play — no one should leave a sexual encounter feeling used, abused or degraded.
Consent: “Yes makes sex hot!” declare those famous AVP fridge magnets. Getting consent is crucial to being comfortable. Not getting consent can have serious ramifications, ranging from regret to ruined or abusive relationships, to sexual assault and jail. So get consent. And remember, no means no.
Communication: “Let’s talk about sex, let’s talk aboout sex,” said Salt n’ Peppa. Don’t be afraid to talk about it, unless you relish prolonged awkwardness — so start yapping. Dirty talk is hot, but make sure your partner is comfortable with the nouns and adjectives you want to use. Talk about where you do and don’t like to be touched. Remember, the path to sexual fulfillment is paved with open honest communication.
Self awareness: In order to be a confident partner, you need to question and explore your own sexuality. To be a good communicator you need to be a good listener. Start with listening to yourself by getting to know your own body. Physical and emotional self-exploration are fucking foundations.
Safe sex: In this world of rampant sexually transmitted infections (STIs), one night hook ups, polyamory and no-strings-attached (NSA) sex, safety has never been more important. Live by this.
When getting down and funky, few things are as important as protecting yourself and your partner. Know that you’re clean or, if you have an STI, how to best prevent it from spreading it to those you play with. STI’s can be transmitted just as easily via oral sex as by penetration, and some are transmittable regardless of condoms. There are many STI's that have only minor or no symptoms for some, so don't assume you're clean. Go get tested regularly and do your homework.
When it comes to condoms, dams, gloves and lube, we all appreciate the freebies on campus, but the free condoms and lube don’t necessarily do it for everyone. If you don’t have an average cock, go buy a range of condoms and give them a try. Like dicks, the variety is nearly endless (ribbed, XL, flavored, glow-in-the-dark, thick, thin, and more). Finding the right fit for you and your partner can make all the difference. Once you find some you like, keep a stock. Remember: no glove, no love.
Terms
If you don’t know these terms, learn them and use them.
BDSM: Bondage, domination, submission and masochism. BDSM generally involves consensual role-playing and makes use of power and pain for pleasure. It breaks down into: BD, Bondage and Discipline, DS, Dominance and Submission, and our friend S&M Sadism and Masochism. If you have further questions, write us a letter.
DTMFA: Dump The Motherfucker Already. Sometimes it needs to be done. We’ll lay it out if this is what we think you need to hear.
LTR: Long Term Relationship. A serious, emotionally-attached, been together for a long time and plan to continue together for a long time pairing.
NSA: No Strings Attached, for those who just want to fuck.
Queer: The most overarching of sexually-alternative terms, Queer roughly covers LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender), intersex, transsexual, asexual and non-normative heterosexual behaviour. So, in other words, everyone under the big rainbow.
Straight: Those of you who fall within the norm of hetero attraction, gender and sex.
The clitoris: That hypersensitive nubbin at the top of a pussy, occasionally hidden under a small fold of skin (or hood). The clit is important. Know your own and/or know your partner’s.
The G-spot: For some, the most powerfully erogenous zone. For women, this is often located near the front of the vagina, up, in and back. Think: exaggerated come hither motion. For men, this is often found in the prostate, through the rectal cavity, in and down. Think: upside down come hither, or petting motion.
The taint: The area between the genitals and the anus. Rub it. Seriously
Tips and tricks
Yeah, we know why you’re all really here, so here’s the juicy stuff.
Sexual hygiene: Nobody likes a cheesy dick, a fishy taco or a filthy asshole. Keep your junk neat and tidy and your partner’s preferences in mind.
Giving head: Good head is freely given, and a joy to give and receive. It’s about trust, play and variation. There’s no magic secret technique for everyone because (shocker!) everyone is different. Don’t believe porn, believe your partner. Keep talking (sometimes even with your mouthful) and keep listening.
Sucking dick: A good partner will tell you what they like. If neither of you have any experience: lips over the teeth, use your hands (not only on the penis, people — have some creativity), lick/suck on his balls. Remember saliva is your friend, and have fun.
Eating pussy: Make sure your partner is comfortable and keep them involved. When playing with the pink tool box there are some important points to touch on: the clit is crucial, but get to know the whole spectrum. Rub above the pussy, the inner thigh (if she’s not too ticklish), and don’t be afraid to slip a finger in once you get going. When she is nearing climax, be prepared for bucking and head-crushing thigh action. It happens.
Male masturbation: Vary your technique. Don’t just deathgrip your one-eyed snake, or you won’t be able to enjoy the softer pleasures your partner has to offer. Lube can make it fun. Don’t be in a rush either, or you’ll have trouble holding back when it comes time for the real deal.
Female masturbation: Experiment with fast, slow, building, two fingers or one. Find out what juices up your clam, whether that’s watching porn, using a vibrator, lighting candles, running a hot bath or playing deathmetal. A lot of women require manual stimulation in order to climax, so take the time now to reap the benefits later.
The taint trick: This method comes with a disclaimer, since the jury is out on whether or not this trick can result in negative health ramifications (think: bladder infections). Having said that, Hazen has been doing this for years with no ill effect. Try at your own risk.
When a man is about to orgasm, press firmly on the taint just back from his nuts. This essentially pinches the tubes with the result of no mess, beyond a small bead of cum if you work it out. Do not try this for the first time during sex, or dare think that it will prevent STI’s or pregnancy. It can be useful for masturbation, and for those of you who don’t want a load down your throats or in your face. Be sure to tell the boy what you’re doing before you try this on him.
Rub that clit: While penetrating a woman’s sweet love box, it’s easy to forget that for many of the ladies to achieve orgasm clitoral stimulation is necessary. So, rub her clit with one penetrate her with a cock, strap-on, dildo, tongue, hand or fist.
All right you horny little monkeys. For more advice, read the Laying it Out column, appearing weekly in the Martlet, and email sex@martlet.ca. We want you to have a good sex rep, so keep reading — there’s plenty more to come.