1 Don’t sleep
Sleep is the enemy; do you really think you do anything productive when you sleep? You don’t have time to lie around all night. Fight back with caffeine pills, drugs you buy off the street, and snorting coffee grounds.
2 Suck up to your professors by buying them gifts
By “suck up,” I mean break into their house, and by “buying gifts,” I mean steal their test answers.
3 Eat a proper university student diet
Trying to eat a proper diet now will only upset your stomach and make it wonder what the hell is going on. Stick to your usual ramen, McDonalds, leftover ramen, and leftover McDonalds.
4 Stay connected
Friends and selfies are your lifeline. Keep in touch by keeping Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Google+ open at all times, while constantly posting about your whereabouts, activities, and favourite cat videos.
5 If needed, ask the librarians for assistance
Scream and collapse sobbing at the help desk to gain quick, friendly service.
6 Leave everything to the last possible minute
Human brains work at their peak when flooded with fight-or-flight chemicals. To increase these chemicals, buy a cougar and keep it in your workspace.
