CLASSIFIEDS

WANTED
One free object: Must be roughly two to 10 feet in length. Must be light enough to carry home but heavy enough to harm others. Can be made of any substance except loose materials like Jell-O. No questions/cops preferred. Will pick up. E-mail anon345@hotmail.com

WANTED
One car: Must have wheels and seats. Doors preferred, roof optional. Colour preferred: any, no shades. Looking to negotiate a price.  To contact, skype coolguy3031990.

FOR SALE
One cat: High IQ, enjoys being read Shakespeare, has strict diet. Voted best cat on the Internet 1999, lives strictly indoors and must be hugged 3hrs a day. Must sell due to constant bites and scratches. Will take any offer. E-mail catlover999@yahoo.com

FOR SALE
Human hair: Very fresh, will soak up any spill. Great pillow/stuffed animal filler. Offers accepted. To contact, call 911, ask for Frank.

MISSED CONNECTIONS

W4M — March 20, 70x bus to Swartz Bay
Nice smile, even nicer backpack.
Your backpack was jammed full, the zipper bursting. Most likely full of books of poetry. Your eyes seem like they read poetry. The backpack looked new, purchased in the last six months, but still well used. Perhaps you’ve taken a trip up island to Tofino recently? The colour of the backpack reminded me of a dress I wore to my sixth grade music recital. I’ve since given up singing, but thank you for reminding me of my childhood. Youth is fleeting, isn’t it?

W4M — March 11, Martlet office
We saw each other from across the room. You have brown hair. It’s a nice shade of brown, like one Crayola would make a pencil crayon of. They’d probably even include the colour in those special edition packages only sold in September. If I had to name the colour of your hair, I’d call it chocolate milk mocha or whole grain tortilla wrap.

M4W — Spring or Summer of last year maybe
I saw you studying while I was waiting in line at that café. I had just gone in to use the bathroom, but they told me it was for customers only, so I was scanning the menu for something cheap. I don’t really like to waste food though, so I thought maybe I’d just get something small, like a bottled water or a bran muffin. I thought about something with blueberries, but then I remembered how blueberries make things all soggy and I wasn’t really feelin’ it. I ended up getting a day-old pumpkin scone, because it was a dollar cheaper than those regular overpriced ones they always have. You looked hot though, even if I only saw you from behind.

M4Bus — Like, every day
You were a bus, I was being passed up. As you drove by at incredible speed, without even the slightest intention of stopping, all I could think was, I have a test in 20 minutes. I had crammed for it all morning, too. Maybe you had passed by because there was another bus on the way, but I didn’t see one. I ended up having to walk a brisk six blocks and barely made it on time. Maybe next time we could catch up and you could find another way of leaving me breathless.