Dear UVic,
I noticed you’ve just completed another round of Student for a Day tours, letting prospective students tour the university and experience student life first-hand. The world is a competitive place and I feel that as a university you could really step up your game by giving students a better experience. So after much thought and a bottle of wine I have a few suggestions to help you improve. No need to thank me; just give me some of the cake you will buy for celebrating your stacks upon stacks from increased attendance.
Get into the minds of students
The first thing you have to do to impress a student is to think like a student. As the event organizer, put off planning these tours, then take Dexedrine and work all night while regretting all your decisions that led to this moment.
Let them ride those golf carts around
Seriously, everyone sees them and everyone wants to, but let me test one first just to make sure they’re safe.
Get them stressed
Let’s face it: Being a student is stressful. Although you can’t fully simulate the stress, you can damn well try. Just grab each of them unexpectedly during the tour, stare them down and say “Don’t screw up” over and over.
Reduce the number of open parking spots
You want your tour to be realistic, right? Fill most of your empty parking stalls and have students drive around for half an hour trying to find a spot, making them late for the tour. If you do it right, they may never find a parking space — leaving them to circle the campus forever.
Give them a large bill and send them into the unknown
Why not prepare them for the inevitable? When the tour’s over, bill them for the tour guides, the food, security guards, everything. Spare no expense! When they ask you how on earth they can repay such a large amount tell them you don’t know, but the interest won’t kick in for six months.
