Getting sober during the time of our lives we’re most encouraged to drink might feel daunting, but I’m here to tell you it’s possible
Illustration by Sage Blackwell.
It’s been six months since my last drink. My life became a game of turning over memories like stones, just to watch bugs crawl out from under them. I lived in a glass bottle for six years and the world around me was full of illusions. I learned in recovery that, even if it takes a long time to quit, there’s wisdom in sobriety to improve your life — for addicts and non-addicts alike.
After I quit my job, ended my relationship, and spent all my money, I decided to get sober at 21 years old. Since then, I’ve spent a lot of time in the back of churches, in a circle of folding chairs, spilling my secrets to strangers. There, I hear stories of disease, and the tellers all have one thing to say: quit while you’re ahead.
I never see many students in these meetings. In your twenties, you’re encouraged to imbibe. But with every new warning of rising drug toxicity, I’m reminded of why colleges are such a dangerous place for us. Enablers surround campus social circles, and they may not understand the severity of offering drinks and drugs. I see all those silently struggling within the university’s walls. I think about overdoses, pumped stomachs, and all the lives lost to isolation. I’m not pretending to know the answer to these problems, but this is what I wish someone had told me a long time ago.
Admitting you’re an addict, and deciding whether to leave the stones unturned, is the first and hardest step in the process. It’s an admission of guilt. It’s dispelling the illusion that your life is manageable. Substances were a quick escape from responsibility that will always be there when you return.
Substances are how we treat our problems, but there’s no problem they can’t make worse. You will make mistakes you can’t stand to accept while you’re awake, but if your life is such a train wreck, don’t you want lucid eyes in the leading car?
The pain worsens once you decide to square up with it, but that is when you have the best chance to overcome it. The second you draw a line in the sand, and take your first, responsible action, it will fade. Then, those thoughts keeping you up at night will instead remind you of how far you’ve come.
Perhaps it’s impossible to completely exorcise our demons, but that does not mean they deserve a fighting chance.
Once we take the first step, and smash the funhouse mirror, we take a hard look at those stones and the people who helped put them there. You love some of these people. You laugh with and trust these people. Yet, sometimes, you discover too late that they never cherished you. You realize how alone it feels to be in a room with them. They have their own stones, but they may not bother to turn them. Some of them will try to make you an accomplice to their chaos — that is what addiction feeds on.
I need you to hear this: we are not bad people for letting them go. Don’t worry, college is the time and place to find out who our friends really are.
You are never truly alone once they’ve gone, either, though it’s bittersweet to leave the old haunts behind. Once weekends are void of the nightclubs and house parties, those old friends might try to say that sobriety makes us boring. But really, we just found more interesting ways to spend our time. We decide who earns our renewed energy for love and consideration. I think sobriety helps me remember that I have that choice.
It’s not easy, but since I started recovery, I’ve known quiet as I’ve never felt. Persistence guides me like lighthouse glass. My fog has lifted, and I’m savouring the breeze that blew it away. Take this step, watch it come back together, and you’ll struggle to contain your excitement about what you might be capable of. The days will slog on like drool. Withdrawal forces you to fight every shortcoming of your being, but once it’s passed, you will wonder how the hell you got there. It will always and forever be a cliché, but it’s one worth repeating: just take it one day at a time.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, aavictoria.ca and smartrecoverybc.com were resources that helped me on my journey.
