Don’t wait until midterms to find out who your roommates really are; ask them these questions before it’s too late
Illustration by Sabina Mendoza.
As the new academic year starts to slowly envelop every student here at UVic, vacant basement rooms that violate B.C. building codes are starting to fill up. With that, chance encounters and rocky relationships will start to form on craggy, temporary foundations.
What you’re about to read is an essential list of questions that will illuminate whether the person you might be rooming with is evil, or worse, lazy. This list also aims to hopefully help you realize if your future (or current) roommate is a real person with a beating human heart.
Even if you’re moving in with your best friend, it is imperative you consider the following.
Forget the bills, who’s taking care of the spiders?
Inspired by true events, this concern will establish who really runs the space. If the house truly is a communitarian safe space, or whatever buzzwords we’re using today, does paying the bills on time really matter when the dark, fuzzy wolf spider is actively posing a threat to your life, hanging out above your desk while you’re cramming stuff you could care less about? You could die!
Better yet, if you’re the resident spider-person, establish your dominance and make it so everyone is convinced they need you to live.
Are they a loner?
This question doesn’t actually work to answer anything serious; I just want to reinforce shame among our UVic populace. But, if you do spend your precious time inquiring whether your roommate actually means it when they say they enjoy being a “lone wolf,” then maybe you’re the loner. Something to think about.
Are they a gamer?
Take this from me, a person who has to warn my roommates every single time I’m about to hop onto a Fortnite game: you do not want a gamer in the house. Yes, I shower, and yes, I scream every single time I die, but I know how to have a good time.
Do not room with someone who will proudly profess this. Protect your peace.
Are they a messy person?
My roommates love me despite all of my many, many flaws. One of them being my ability to always leave a physical trace of my existence through the mess I leave, like a snake oblivious to the fact it’s shedding skin. All it takes is one pile of unwashed dishes during exam season to start inducing homicidal thoughts, so be careful.
Do they like to talk to you?
This might be the most important issue I discuss in this article: does your roommate like to talk to you? Do they want to include you? If you’re subleasing a room in a house where everyone has lived with each other for some time, good luck. Practice your best jig and put your jester hat on, because trying to carve a space for yourself feels deeply humiliating.
However, the pursuit of genuine human connection is no laughing matter. Why live in a silent space where no one wants to know anything about each other? Just attend class for the same experience.
There you have it. Your very own trusty guide to finding the perfect roommate, or finding out whether the person you split chore responsibilities with is an agent of evil. I trust you know what to do from here on out.
