Do not buy these textbooks from any bookstore, even if your professor assigns them
Illustration by Luisa Dela Cruz.
As students, we look for many things in a textbook. Good pricing, high quality printing, and most importantly, fifty pages of neatly formatted text (with citations) telling us the exact answers to all the exam questions. But every now and again, we come upon some textbooks that are unreasonably priced, confusing, or just plain unhelpful. Here are a couple worst ideas for textbooks that students don’t ever want to see invade the university’s bookshelves.
Writing: How to sell your soul to the AI overlords
To survive as a writing student, there are a couple of must-haves. Warm, on-campus locations to craft our masterpieces, warm blankets (often made from recycled rejection letters), and the tolerance to withstand 3 a.m. brainstorm sessions, because that’s when all the best ideas hit. But the number one thing you need to learn as a writer in this day and age is how to do the work without relying on AII.
Contrary to all that, this textbook is a step-by-step guide on how to hand over all creative freedom to your evil AI robot, so you can get back to what matters — generating revenue for shareholders.
Your textbook helpfully comes with your own personal AI agent, whose facial features and voice eerily resemble yours, because that’s legal, somehow! It also comes with your very own pre-written and legally binding contract, so you can sign over your immortal soul to your favourite AI megacorporation. Just sign here!
English: Very Worst Examples Of Poor Formatting and Grammar.
For those English students who loved reading Paul’s Positive’s Very Best Examples Of Formatting and Grammar in first year, but were unsatisfied with the overly convoluted citation guidelines, should flock to the bookshelves to grab a copy of the hit sequel, Very Worst Examples of Poor Formatting and Grammar.
This textbook is filled to the brim with all of the tips you will spend the rest of the semester trying to forget, such as: write all your academic papers in 18 point Comic Sans, the coolest font there is, and avoid doing any kind of citations because, let’s face it, we all know your source is ChatGPT.
Psychology: Stress is Your Body’s Way of Saying You Haven’t Studied Enough Yet
Looking for a helpful crunch week read? Then be sure to pick up Dr. Sandra Stressout’s award-winning Psychology textbook; “Stress Is Your Body’s Way of Saying You Haven’t Studied Enough Yet!
This book doubles as self-help literature, helpfully identifying signs of stress and drilling in what they mean — that you still have studying to do. One such sign is the Academic Integrity Ache. This is a headache you get from memorizing every detail you’ve ever learned and where you learned it, so you can never be accused of plagiarism.
Another common stress symptom is the soul-wracking guilt you may feel after taking a break longer than fifteen minutes, or stopping your studies for the night to cook a healthy meal. If you’re feeling this guilt, it’s probably a sign to put the spatula down and get back to your notes. They miss you.
