A-list: 10 ways to spot a tourist

Distinct from Victorians, the tourist is a unique breed of human native to places all over the world. To identify a possible tourist, look closely; they can look a lot like regular humans, but with a few distinct characteristics.

1. They walk around with a vague look of dazed confusion.
   Other characteristics include gazing upwardly for uncomfortable lengths of time and walking blindly behind outstretched maps of Victoria.
2. They stop their cars to take pictures of deer.
   If only they knew . . .
3. They wear stupid hats with brims large enough to shelter a family of four.
   I would like to know where a human even goes to purchase such hats. Maybe they have them tailor-made by blind monks.
4. They take up every inch of sidewalk possible.
   It doesn’t matter if they are walking in a herd of six or three, they will literally zig-zag if they have to.
5. They walk into Serious Coffee “just to browse.”
   That is a true story.
6. They mispronounce the names of streets and neighbourhoods hilariously.
   “Excuse me, how do I get to Soh-kee?”
7. Whatever the opposite of the speed of light is, that is how fast they are walking.
   I swear, I can’t make this stuff up.
8. Their beards are made of mayonnaise.
   Okay, I made that one up.
9. They will buy anything for any price.
   I’m not saying that I’ve never spent $12 on a drink at Bard and Banker, but seriously.
10. They are literally wearing fanny packs.
    Literally.