Dear California,
I’ve been reading the news, and I see you’re dealing with quite the drought problem. Sure, you use a lot of your water to supply the world with delicious foods, but don’t get crazy and deny us those; you know how I am if I can’t buy almonds and oranges at all times regardless of the natural seasonal rhythms. I thought about it and I have a few ways I can help with your problem while keeping me stocked with Vitamin C and protein for years to come.
- Steal water
Stealing has been around since the dawn of time, and for good reason. You want something? Simple solution: take it from someone who already has it. But don’t steal water from Canada. I don’t know what you’ve heard, but we don’t have any. Try somewhere else. - Get everyone in California to cry at once
Their tears will re-hydrate the earth. Maybe play one of those Sarah Mclachlan ASPCA commercials on an infinite loop to get everyone going. - Retrace your steps
I’m not trying to give you a hard time California, but have you really looked that hard for your water? Maybe you just misplaced it. Have you checked behind the couch, or perhaps in your other car? - Encourage storm clouds to visit by giving them tax breaks on real estate
Do you know how hard it is to afford living in your state? Give them a break. Maybe some free daycare for their children? The world is tough out there. - Release all your bottled water back into the wild
How can you expect the reproduction of water to increase if they are caged and not free range?
