Illustration by Leone Brander, Design Director
Ingredients:
- 1 chicken breast
- 1 package of noodles, owner unknown (but it’s probably your roommate’s)
- 2 cups of water
- 1 cup of vegetable broth (definitely stolen from your roommate)
- 1 carrot
- 1 head of broccoli (it’s been in the fridge for a few weeks, but it’s fine. Really. It’s fine.)
- Salt
- Pepper
- Thyme? Why not.
- Basil? Sure.
Method:
1. Stagger into kitchen, feeling head throb with every step.
2. Contemplate asking roommate to clean up the disgusting mess spilling over the edges of your countertops like a nefarious filth-based lifeform.
3. Remember your roommate is just as sick as you are, if not worse.
4. Realize most of this mess is yours, anyway.
5. Sweep it all into the sink.
6. Assemble questionable ingredients.
7. Find a pot. Rinse out thin film of unknown substance coating inside of pot.
8. Place on stove. Add broth. Add water. Heat.
9. Add everything else.
10. Remember vegetables need chopping.
11. Remove vegetables. All utensils are dirty/have disappeared. Use fingers instead.
12. Run fingers under cold water. Cry softly.
13. Chop vegetables. Add back to soup.
14. Boil, then simmer for 15 minutes.
15. During simmering step, sit on couch and watch A Series Of Unfortunate Events on Netflix.
16. Fall into stressful fever dream where Neil Patrick Harris is both Count Olaf and your mother, somehow.
17. Wake up one hour later covered in sweat.
18. Stagger back into kitchen. Soup is gone. Find ‘thank you’ note from roommate.
19. Repeat steps six through 14.
20. Discover there’s no more noodles.
21. Give up.
22. Cry again.
