The Board of Governors is currently working to determine who to bring in as Qwul’sih’yah’maht, Dr. Robina Thomas’ successor — why is nobody talking about these possible picks?
Illustration by Sage Blackwell.
At the beginning of the month, it was announced that Kevin Hall was stepping down from his role as president of UVic. Until the beginning of November, Qwul’sih’yah’maht, Dr. Robina Thomas will serve as our acting president, though what happens after is unknown.
The appointment of a new president is, of course, an important and highly consequential decision for the university. To help aid the Board of Governors during this process, I have curated a short list of potential candidates that may make suitable successors for both Hall and Thomas.
If these choices seem unorthodox to some, I’ll remind them that I possess few of the qualifications required to make such a decision. I’m not sure that I even know what the president does.
Regardless, I care about this community deeply. Thus, I have done my very best to research five presidential candidates that, if given the opportunity, should be able to help lead this university to greener pastures.
The Entire Political Science Department
Yeah, all of them. Nevermind a new president, I want to see every single poli-sci student, staff, and faculty member duking it out in a legislative body, WWE Smackdown style, livestreamed via Brightspace.
Who knows more about the successes and failures of the university than the students and teachers who drag themselves into its gutters every single day? Decentralize power. Let a bunch of angry undergrads go fight their C-grading professors over the hearts and minds of the rest of the university.
Will it take weeks, even months, of kicking and screaming to settle on a solution for even the simplest of issues? Sure.
Will literally anything get done at all? Doubt it.
But at least we’ll have our passion for politics on full display, alongside plenty of entertainment.
But maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “The beautiful democratic process? Not interested, bucko. Give me some of that sweet, sweet absolutism.” Fine. I have another idea.
One Lucky Philosophy Grad Student
Hobbes. Voltaire. Kant. You.
I read your dissertation. It was, like, a totally enlightening critique of the modern discourse on socratic epistemology (whatever that means).
The words you use are really big and I feel like I should trust you because of them. Please, tell me what is right and what is wrong. Lead me. Tell me what courses I need to be enrolled in. Manage my finances. Take the keys to my car. Do literally anything that you want to do, and I will go along with it.
UVic is adrift, floating aimlessly upon waves of uncertainty! Who better to quell the storm than you, Great Thinker?
Your elbow patches are there for a reason, my friend. Take the reins.
A Mysterious Fungus from the Biology Labs
I’m tired of the ego and hubris of human leaders. Mammalia has let us all down, and perhaps it is high time that we look elsewhere.
Hey, biology department. I’ve been in the Cunningham building. Don’t lie to me and say you don’t have all types of weird stuff going on in there. All we need is one brave research assistant to take one for the team and huck a petri dish out of a quad-facing window. All of a sudden, we could have an omnipotent fungal organism running the show.
Studies have shown that different types of fungi are capable of memory, learning, decision-making, and problem solving. Can you confidently say that about all of the human beings that you know?
All our brains do is spam us with electrical impulses and hormone signals meant to confuse us. They are sinister and malicious creatures. They ramp up our emotions and make truly objective, efficient decision-making an impossible task. Name one time having a brain was beneficial to a human leader. I’ll stop you now, because you can’t.
But guess what? Mushrooms have no brains at all. No electric meat sponges to sabotage them.
Put them in charge.
The Vengeful Spirit of UVic’s Rabbit Population
UVic’s campus used to be home to quite the sizable rabbit population. Abandoned student pets and their descendants had turned into a community that numbered over 1 000 individual animals on university grounds.
That is, until 2011, when UVic went scorched-earth on Thumper and his friends in an initiative to reduce the population by over 80 per cent, to about 200 sterilized rabbits. This was achieved through “community-organized sterilization” and “humane trapping/euthanasia” (interesting duality there, guys).
Well I, for one, love a comeback story.
Rocky going the full 15 rounds with Apollo Creed. Aragorn returning to Helm’s Deep after everyone believed him to be dead. UVic putting the collective ghost of hundreds of feral rabbits into an executive leadership position.
There would be no greater, more meaningful apology than this. We have a chance to atone for our sins, and we shouldn’t waste it.
The Shy Pooper King
Don’t know what I’m talking about? Well, clearly you’re not as immersed in UVic folklore as I am.
Two years ago, the Martlet published an article on the enigmatic ongoings within a particularly secluded stall in the second-floor men’s bathroom of the McPherson Library.
If you have ever used this bathroom, you likely noticed a darkened stall tucked into a back corner alcove. Contained within you may find an extensive archive of graffitied communications, many of which revolve around a mysterious entity — the Shy Pooper King.
During my time at UVic, university staff have repainted the stall door many, many times. However, the graffiti has never ceased to reappear. Shakespearean lamentations of reverence for the Shy Pooper King, lyrical renditions of that morning’s bowel movement, and plain old middle school gibberish have encoded themselves into the very DNA of all who frequent this bathroom. We have the Shy Pooper King to either thank, or to curse.
Two years ago we asked the question, who is this person?
What is their purpose? Do they have any at all? How has their presence, a mere silhouette in the minds of those with the knowledge of their existence, remained such a steady force throughout the years? We still have no answers.
Whether or not you view the Shy Pooper King as a scourge of crass, unsavoury humour spreading their tendrils across campus, or as a benevolent patron of the arts who has built their own secret kingdom of artistic freedom, they have left their mark on this campus.
Is this not the accomplishment of a natural-born leader?
Step out of the shadows, Sir Knight. Claim your throne in the sun, for all to see.
