From a student who is bitter that they didn’t get one
Illustration by Sage Blackwell.
*PLEASE DO NOT FOLLOW THE FOLLOWING ADVICE
Oh, hi there. I’m a co-op program reject. Have you ever heard of a creature like me before? I signed up in August. I attended mandatory workshops at UVic through September, October, and November, performed a mock interview audition, networked against my will, and applied to jobs relentlessly January throughApril… only to be kicked out of the portal for being a jobless failure. Shame, shame, shame.
Here are five awesome tips to help you become unemployed this summer:
Only apply to jobs you’d want to be working for ten years post-grad
The important thing to remember is to keep your expectations as high as possible. Search the co-op portal using highly specific keywords pertaining to your major, to make sure that only a few search options are available at all times. Do not click on or read the description of roles that would not be your dream job ten years post-grad — you might accidentally apply and get the position.
This especially applies to BA students like myself. Be sure to include the word “arts,” or “fine arts,” in your search of the co-op portal to ensure that there will be no relevant results.
Email is the best policy
I’ve always said that answering emails is my favourite task of the day. Dissociating into a wall of text has historically been the most welcoming way to meet a new friend, coworker, or employee. In fact, the least amount of face-to-face contact with prospective workplaces that you can manage is ideal. You really wouldn’t want the big guy in the office to somehow remember who you are, or what your availability for the position is!
Arrive by the time of your interview
Always err on the side of fashionably late — you never want to seem too desperate for the job by waiting around all day. Pull an expert move and arrive exactly at your interview call time to show them how closely you read the email. If you, God forbid, gave yourself time to wait in the lobby, watch out — they might be starting to imagine what it would be like to have you in the workplace.
Wear what makes you feel comfortable
Corporate employers absolutely love when people express themselves in their clothing, especially Generation Z. Don your favourite and most “you” outfit when heading to an interview, if you really want to dress to impress. Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and put on seven more accessories. You know you’ve won if you have the brightest-coloured shirt in the room. Most importantly, tie the look together with a comfortable shoe like Adidas slides or slippers, so your feet don’t blister when you’re running back to the car in tears.
Give employers as much time as they need to respond
Finally, remember that you’re a cog in the corporate system and nobody cares about you, so try not to, like, bother anyone. Don’t double email. It’s like a double text. The employer is probably doing weeeawy hawd wowrk that is more important than you right now. We’ve gone over this — don’t be desperate. You need to be as nonchalant and elusive as possible. No repeated phone calls until you get hung-up on, no handwritten begging notes, no threats, blackmailing, cyberbullying, stalking, breaking-and-entering, or murder. It’s simply not worth it.
Bonus tip
Apply to jobs elsewhere.
