Buying gifts for a sports fan in your life can be tricky. It is true that if you know someone is a fan of a particular team, there is plenty of paraphernalia for purchase with that team plastered all over.
However, even for the biggest die-hard fan, most of these gifts—a team-branded deodorant-holder, hula-doll, or football phone among them—are of no actual use and will one day be thrown out, lost in a car, or banished to some sort of garage box as a final resting place.
Here are some gift ideas from the Martlet, and they all come with a 100% satisfaction guarantee.
Editor’s note: No such guarantee exists.
‘Football Kit’
I’m sorry, did you think I meant American football? Please. Don’t make me chortle. I suppose I should be clearer for you yanks. The discerning sports fan (see: sports hipster) will appreciate a ‘soccer jersey.’
Soccer is a trendy sport and so is soccer apparel, but be sure you select the right team or you risk giving a gift that makes you look like a footy phony. You must find a team that no one has ever heard of, which shouldn’t be hard as there are approximately 950 060 soccer teams in England alone. Find a team (the more made-up sounding the better—”Sheffield Wednesday” is the name of a real professional team, I swear to you) and buy a jersey from their team store if applicable.
Desired reaction: “Oh, its just my favourite football team; you probably haven’t heard of them.”
Eye Drops
If you know a sports fan, they probably own some sort of fantasy team. Whether it’s a head-to-head, rotisserie, or uncle’s office pool, fantasy sports have become an integral part of wasting time at work or avoiding family small talk by staring at your phone.
Fantasy sports are incredibly taxing on the eyes, especially when you are staring at the free agent list trying to figure out who among them should supplant your now injured star player. Here is where you come in. Eye drops are a thoughtful gift for the fantasy owner in your life, taking the strain off the eyeballs that are constantly fixed on often-refreshing laptop screens.
Desired reaction: “Ahh, that’s good stuff. Oh man, I needed that . . . Hey, wanna make a trade?”
Beard Trimmer
Though winter is just about to begin, once spring arrives it will be playoff season in hockey land, and if you are looking for a gift for your facially-haired friend, a beard trimmer is a great pro-active idea.
For some, the playoff beard is time to revel in the majesty of one’s facial hair prowess. However, for some it can look more like method-acting a play about Robinson Crusoe. Here’s where you come in. Buy the trimmer now; plan for the future and thank me later.
Desired Reaction: “Oh! A beard trimmer! I guess I need this?”
Care Package
Consider this. Sports are cruel and the team your—or your sports fan’s—team is probably not going to win the championship this year. Them’s the breaks, kid. A thoughtful gift for the sports fan in your life could also be a surreptitious one.
Consider buying a collection of small gifts designed to cushion the inevitable blow when the loss occurs. These could include a blanket, a collection of teas, a book on meditation, and perhaps a stuffed animal. However, be clear that the recipient can only use the gift when you say so. Yes, this may be an awkward way to give a gift, but you’ll thank me when your sports fan is recanting his allegiances and sobbing into a stuffed orca.
