Aries (March 21–April 19)
The stars are showing positive movements for your sign. What’s that? You wanna see the stars better? Then go check ‘em out on Google. The hell we gotta go camping for? Stay your ass home.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
Negotiation skills will come in handy with any confrontations you have this week. It’s up to you to decide if you want that confrontation to be man vs. man or man vs. nature. You can’t negotiate with nature. Bears don’t give a damn what you have to say. Stay your ass home.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
A time of respite is approaching. Give yourself some well-deserved rest. Tents don’t count. It’s literally some tarp over dirt and rocks. You got a queen-size at home, which is where you should stay your ass.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
Use this week to meditate and reflect on recent changes. What? No, not at the national park! They got all those yoga places downtown and you wanna go where? I told you to stay your ass home.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)
You will learn a very important lesson from local events. Here, look. On the news it says that they shot a cougar that wandered into the city, right? If we kill wild animals out of fear, why the hell you wanna go to where they stay at? Lesson learned. Stay your ass home.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
The allure of your desires may blind you to the blessing right in front of you. Hey, I like trees too! Trees are dope. You know what’s better than trees? Bathroom facilities. Go hug the trees in the yard and get over it. Stay your ass home.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
Don’t waste your energies on lost causes or futile efforts this week. All right? Just stop. You’re not gonna convince me to go camping. Oh, what? I should go for the fresh air? I’m stayin’ my punk ass right where it’s at.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
Years of planning and preparation will come to fruition this week. All right, I’ll let this one slide. The camping and wandering in the wilderness part is gonna be long and sucky, but once you make it to the Shaolin temple? That’s when shit gets real. Wu-Tang forever.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
You will rediscover an old hobby that will rejuvenate your mind this week. And that’s fine. All I’m saying is you don’t have to leave the city to go birdwatching! Look! We got pigeons, seagulls — crows can’t stop murdering! See? Fun, exciting and all at home.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan.19)
Sharp senses and keen awareness will come in handy for you this week. If you live in a city, you’re all good though, because they don’t tend to leave too many unmarked cliffs or bottomless pits of death laying around here. Guess where your ass should stay. Go on, guess.
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
This week, you will begin a journey full of wonder and discovery. You know, my homeboy Bilbo did that once. All he got out of it when he got back was a bad complexion and a gold ring addiction. He should have stayed his ass home like a proper Took.
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20
Have a good trip! Yes, you’ll be fine. Yes, I remembered to pack food rations in your bag. No, a sleeping bag made of raw meat is not a bad idea! Trust me, camping will be great!
