With the lunar eclipse occurring right before Valentine’s Day, everything appears to have gone wack this year. From incest to crippling loneliness to possible death, looking to the stars for love may not be in the cards for you this time around. Nonetheless, read on for important details regarding the dreaded day of love, heed my warnings, and you may be spared my unfortunate yet impressively accurate and scientific predictions.
Aries (March 21–April 20): You will get the horn and end up eating pizza with an old man at Second Slice.
Taurus (April 21–May 21): A piano will fall on your head while you serenade your crush below their third-story apartment window.
Gemini (May 22–June 21): You will wind up on a date with your other personality. There will be wine and you will fall in love.
Cancer (June 22–July 23): Your friends will ditch you at the club and you will be thrown into the drunk tank. Your mom will pick you up and draw you a bath, just like every other year.
Leo (July 24–Aug. 23): Whilst taking mirror selfies before meeting your date, you will become so enamoured with yourself that you will forget about going out at all.
Virgo (Aug. 24–Sept. 23): You will find out your crush is a closet Trump supporter and throw your milkshake in their face. It will feel as good as you always imagined.
Libra (Sept. 24–Oct. 23): You will find out that you and your blind date are second cousins.
Scorpio (Oct. 24–Nov. 22): You, too, will get the horn and actually be the old man eating pizza with Aries at Second Slice.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23–Dec. 21): You will offend everyone around you, and they will leave you, but you will be okay with being alone. You’re used to it, after all.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 20): Your cat will be sort of standoff-ish towards you and make you cry.
Aquarius (Jan. 21–Feb. 19): You will accidentally fall asleep at 5 p.m. and have a sex dream about Mel Gibson.
Pisces (Feb. 20–March 20): You will re-enact the opening title sequence of Bridget Jones’ Diary.
Graphics by Leone Brander, Design Director
