Sex is a hard thing to do right. Considering that it’s pretty much all we are ever thinking about (unless we’re asleep) you would think that, at some point, someone would walk up to you with a manual and be like “Oh yeah by the way, NEVER bite down on it.”
But no, that’s not the world we live in. We live in a world of 50 Cent “Candy Shop” videos, Harlequin novels and Jennifer Lawrence. We live in a world where advertising tells us that if you’re not licking the lollipop and loving it, someone out there is. But unfortunately sex is never as wonderful as commercials, novels, and videos tell you it will be. Instead it’s sort of weird and kind of embarrassing, but God forbid you laugh. This is what I refer to as “ugly sex”.
Not referring to the people of course, but rather to the performance. In my day I have had loads of ugly sex and luckily, so has everyone else, whether they care to admit it or not. Comparing stories with my friends, we have encountered farts, liquids (not the ones you’d expect), premature excitement, no excitement, inexplicable farm sounds (absolutely not the ones you’d expect), and just plain old weird shit that’s been said in bed.
There was even one occasion between a girl and a guy where the guy called out someone else’s name in bed. Like I said, sex gets weird and it gets weird quickly. When I was comparing notes with one of my male friends, he unleashed a furious rant. “WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT MY HANDS?! WHERE DO THEY GO!? WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME AT WHAT POINT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO WHAT?!”
It’s a pretty simple problem that basically everybody can understand. Do you go in like a pterodactyl for the back rub? Or do you just close your eyes, reach out your hands and pray the first thing you touch isn’t the dog?
And by the way, I’m not claiming to be some sort of enlightened sex goddess. If I’m sober and energetic, I’m a solid B+. If I’m only one of those things or neither, well you buy the ticket you take the ride. Because it’s only when you get somebody in bed that you really know him or her. I love my best friend, but I will never know if once you get them in the bedroom they will all of a sudden whip out a costume and only respond to “Vulva Dragon.” I don’t know, and I don’t want to know.
If you get horny and start speaking in a fake German accent, that is of no concern to me. That is between you and your underpants. I personally think this whole treating sex like it’s super serious stuff is lame. Look—sometimes stuff jiggles, and sometimes stuff makes sounds and that is okay. Sometimes it turns out that quiet person you took home brought handcuffs and a safe word. So yeah, you should be able to laugh it off and go with it. Unless of course you want to be called “Vulva Dragon,” because that shouldn’t be okay with anyone.