Are you the famous Stanley tumbler or a plastic cup?
Photo via saratov.myhistorypark.ru.
If you’re on the weird side of water bottle TikTok like I am or have heard about the insane Stanley cup craze, it might come as no surprise that I need to write an astrology piece on it.
Unlike my previous astrology articles, this time, I’m not holding back. This Pisces season has beaten me down and I’m going to take it out on you guys.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
How much water have you had today, Aries? One sip? You guys need to grow up and actually drink some damn water. Because of your aversion to hydration, I have given you guys the TikTok sensation “Air Up.” If you aren’t familiar with it, it’s a water bottle you can load scented pods into to make it seem like you flavored the water using only smell. Throw in that watermelon pod and drink up, Aries.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
Taurus, you guys are boujee, whether you admit it or not. But you’re also durable and reliable. Because of this, you’re the Yeti. Expensive, yet durable. You can take this water bottle on your camping trips or have it as a boujee accessory. Either way, drink up in your expensive water bottle, Taurus.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
Okay, this one is basic. It’s no surprise that the twin sign is Owala. These come with two spouts. Either sip through the straw or chug through the hole. This, along with the funky colour combos, just screams Gemini.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
I hope this isn’t taken as an insult because I mean it as a compliment, but you guys are a mason jar. It’s classy, it’s cool, and it gives artistic vibes. I see Cancers as the people that walk around with the old spaghetti sauce jars with a crochet snuggies on them. You guys don’t need your emotional support water bottle — you need your old emotional support Classico jar.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)
You guys are the infamous Stanley cup, tumbler edition. With all of the “special edition” Stanley cups that have come out, you’d think everyone would call them overrated, but these things have an insane cult following. While I think the hype is overblown, I know you Leos would love to have that kind of following. You’ll have your time to shine, just like this tumbler.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
You, earth sign, are the Nalgene. When you walk into Boulderhouse, you see a sea of Nalgenes. When you meet a surfer, one of these is always nearby. Just hear me out: this water bottle gives me Virgo vibes. Maybe it’s from growing up in a rock climbing gym, but half of the hard-core climbers I know are Virgos, so it’s just where my mind goes.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
Glass, high quality, classic design, and aesthetically pleasing, you guys are the Kinto water bottle. This is a classy one, just like you Libras. Sorry, this might be disappointing, but there’s not much more I can say on this. If you see the water bottle you’ll get it.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
You, Scorpios, are my favourite water bottle. Are you my favourite sign? Absolutely not. Either way, I’m a journalist, so I have to keep my biases in check. Anyways, you guys are Hydroflasks. Do I have a reasoning behind this? Not really. I just forgot about Hydroflasks and your sign, so it just made sense.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
Did you guys forget your water bottle? With you fire signs, I get the sense that it usually gets left at home. As the sign that is always on the move, I know dragging your water bottle around can get clunky. If you’re going to forget it anyways, you guys have to just use a plastic water bottle. Like the ones you buy in the vending machine.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
This might be surprising, but you guys are also Stanley cups. Not the trendy ones, but the camping ones that nobody talks about. This isn’t to say that nobody cares about you, Capricorns, but you’ve been known to be forgotten in a crowd!
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
I know you guys aren’t going to like this, but I don’t care. It’s my article. You guys are a plastic cup. Not like a solo cup or anything, but the cool, thrifted plastic cups. I know. “A plastic cup? What the hell?” Other than the vibes you give off, I have no other explanation for this decision. I just saw a Shrek the Third cup on Facebook Marketplace and Aquarius was the first sign I thought of. But I’ll throw you guys a bone. I can see you guys as the cool plastic cups from the 60/70/80s in your grandparents cabinet. The ones that may or may not have lead paint in them.
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)
I’m not going to lie: at first I called you guys sippy cups. I figured that was too mean, so instead I’m giving you the Kikkerland Fish Flask. You guys are ruled by a fish, plus, (sorry to stereotype) you guys are partiers.
