Halloween should be about binge-eating candy and dancing with your girlfriends, not getting hit on by prisoner number four
Illustration by Luisa Dela Cruz.
It’s Oct. 30, and you still don’t know what you’re dressing up as for Halloween? Maybe next time you should be a little more organized. But in all seriousness, if I see one more man in an orange jumpsuit or woman in a corset and animal ears, I might just lose it.
I never abandon a girl in need, so if you’re looking for an easy but unique look, I’ve got you covered.
For the single gals who are planning to stay that way, I have the perfect men-repellent costumes for you. Halloween is for binge-eating candy and dancing with your friends, not getting hit on by prisoner number four.
So if you want the men to stay away, your best bet is to dress up as another man. You might get a head nod or a fist bump, but their lack of interest will shock you. If you were hoping for a scary costume, you could even go as Shane Gillis — but be careful, this one might just scare your fellow ladies.
Another way to scare them away is to dress as a fully developed frontal lobe — they’re gonna hate this one. Warning: it could backfire, since they’re so unfamiliar with what that actually is.
If you want to go all out, you could go as some sort of period product. This one’s pretty open-ended. You could be a pad or a tampon, even a diva cup, because, well, you’re a diva. If you want to go the extra mile, you could even make it look used. Trust me when I say that they’ll want nothing to do with you. They might even run the opposite way screaming.
If you’re already stuck with a man and have been racking your brain for a couples costume, but are struggling because you just really hate your boyfriend, you aren’t alone. The good news is that you can still match with him, and you can look great doing it.
Try going as Kim Kardashian; you probably already have everything you’ll need in your closet, and nobody will be able to stop staring at you. Your boyfriend? He can be her lost earring… at least he’ll be shiny.
If that isn’t up your alley, you could always go as Cinderella — everyone loves a princess — and he can be her lost shoe. Are we sensing a theme here? Maybe this year you can lose him too!
Or you could also dress as Zendaya and… you guessed it, Zendaya’s hat. You thought I was gonna say Spiderman, didn’t you? Do you really think your boyfriend’s out here saving the city while everyone sleeps? He can’t even do his own dishes.
Do you care deeply about the environment? Do you spend every waking moment trying to explain to him that climate change is real? If this sounds like you, try going as Emily Lowan and the Lorax, today’s biggest advocates for the trees. The great news is that this costume is sustainable — he can repurpose his old orange jump-suit, just stuff a pillow in there, get a mustache, and he’s all set.
Ladies, it’s time we take back Halloween, and look good doing it. With any of these costumes, you’re guaranteed to have a peaceful Halloween and be left alone by the scariest thing out there — men.
