Samantha Crawford (graphics)
HUMOUR — Victoria Police arrived on scene to a Gordon Head house late last night, after receiving complaints about a public disturbance from the neighbours. Police entered the basement suite of Lucas McGuire, a 25-year-old UVic geography major and the host of the party. McGuire thanked the two officers for already dressing in their costumes and for showing up right on cue.
Baffled and unable to get a word in, the two officers followed McGuire to the living room, where they found a group of strange costumed twenty-somethings standing over a dead body. The police cleared the group away, and as they knelt down to examine the body, they asked what had happened.
“I was in the billiards room with the stock broker, Dow Jones, just talking over business, when I heard a crash,” said Clair G. Man, who claimed she was a 70-year-old local pastor. “I quickly ran into the parlour, only to find Lord Paul Bearer on the ground. I suspected it was Paul’s gardener, Brock Oli, who played foul, since he was always looking for a raise from old man Bearer.”
“Now see here,” cried who the police assumed was the gardener, Brock Oli, a self-described elderly and decrepit Italian man, “I am not guilty! I was tending to the master’s veggies as Harry Cruise, the ferryman, was tasting some delicious raspberries. Isn’t that right, Harry?”
Police reported that all present turned to one man, who appeared to be texting on his phone, while mumbling, “Guys, I told you. I’m not a part of your stupid game.”
“Oh come on, Steve,” whispered Brock. “If you don’t play along, I can’t do the big reveal that we are actually lovers.”
Officers informed the group that the deceased was in fact actually dead, and that they would all be taken to the station for questioning.
In an unconvincing British accent, Man responded, “Of course we know he is dead. We’re just trying to figure out who did it! I told you to arrest Brock Oli!”
The two officers decided to start handcuffing all involved in the situation for withholding information, when suddenly, McGuire made an announcement.
“Fine, I admit it. I killed my new roommate! First, I was tired of him not filling up the Brita. Then I got pissed when I realized I couldn’t walk around naked when I wanted. Finally, I realized I had to kill him when I got annoyed with him slowing down my Internet.”
Police report that all was silent in the room until Dow Jones spoke up and said, “Uh…Lucas, in your instructions it said that I killed Paul Bearer, in the billiards room with the knife. Is this the time that I should be making the big reveal?”
After hearing his confession, Dow Jones was arrested for the murder of Paul Bearer. Police believe that Jones’ motive was that Bearer was sleeping with Jones’ wife. Jones will appeal in court this week with his attorneys: Screwem, Goode, & Hart.
When asked about how she felt about the deadly party, Clair G. Man stated, “Oh it was good! Not who I suspected at all. Lucas was especially brilliant with the double confession, and the blood looked so real. Can’t wait until he hosts another murder mystery!”
