Stories | Satire

Top five hazmat suits for weathering COVID-19

With the ever-growing and changing threat of the coronavirus, just going outside to grab the mail can seem like a life-or-death situation. If you’re out of soap and hand sanitizer…

UVic Board of Governors reveals funding fossil fuel companies actually a cure for climate change

After seven long years of hearing the cries for divestment from fossil fuels from students and faculty and many hours of crunching numbers over lunch in the University Club, the…

University should improve fundraising efforts, shake down students for cash

How might modern colleges more efficiently, and with a friendly disposition, extract funds from reluctant current and former students? I have at least observed a handful of appropriate methods, some…

Why Canadians should vote for the sexiest candidate every time

If we have learned nothing else in the time Justin Trudeau has been in office, it is that candidates with great hair and a winning smile are always the most…

UVic must expand commercial opportunities, build shopping centre

"I propose a redoubling of UVic’s attempts to attract corporate interests to the campus, that we may both line our coffers and provide additional shopping experiences to our many prosperous…

Dearest Reader | The Age of Consent should be raised to thirty nationwide

How many countless heartbreaks and uncomfortable, lonely walks along the quad after a furtive late-night tryst has UVic borne witness to? It’s our writers earnest intention that such unpleasantness can…

Two UVic roommates shared one pair of pants for a whole year

Started from [sharing] the bottom[s], now we here Have you ever had a sibling or a friend borrow (steal) your clothes? It’s annoying because the day you go to put…

This is the ONLY way to live in Victoria!

Local news staff discovers ways to cut down on rent that landlords will HATE! Everyone knows that the Victoria housing market is causing many aspiring and current residents to contemplate…

A freshperson’s UVic survival guide

Your all-in-one manual that’ll keep you savvy around seasoned UVicers Fresh off the Ferry? Attempting to satiate your parents’ shockingly high expectations by half-assing a social sciences degree? Gave up…