In anticipation of the upcoming release of the iPhone 5, questions have been raised about the exact capabilities of this new technological wonder. For instance, will every iPhone 4S self-destruct on the iPhone 5’s release date? Does every iPhone 5 really contain trace amounts of Steve Jobs’s DNA and, if so, is there a cloning app included? Is John Malkovich the new head of Apple?
Well, fear not, for below is a list of the top five questions (and sub-questions) about the new Apple product that should put your queries to rest.
“Can I marry my iPhone 5?”
Sadly, as sexy as Siri’s voice is, Canada’s marital laws do not recognize the union of a human being and a phone as legitimate.
What can it do?
New to the iPhone 5 are voice-guided turn-by-turn directions to go along with that voice- operated search for the quickest way to the Vegas chapel.
How will iPhone 6 fix this?
iPhone 6 will include the new app iMinister, which will allow you to ruin the rest of your life in the safety of your own living room.
“Can iPhone 5 direct
my porno for me?”
Unfortunately, you’re probably on your own there (well, depending on the porn); the iPhone 5’s moral fibre won’t allow such things.
What can it do?
While you’ll have to be in charge of your own cinematic dream, iPhone 5 can assist you with a new 1080p HD camera through a sapphire crystal lens and over ten hours of HD playback for maximum enjoyment of your new masterpiece.
How will iPhone 6 fix this?
iPhone 6 will pull away from its ethical design and join forces with Snoop Dogg’s Doggystyle Productions to form the new leading name in porn, iDogg.
“Can iPhone 5 make flying easier?”
Yes! New to the iPhone 5 is Passbook, an app that allows for digital carrying of boarding passes, gift certificates and even your passport to make flying a breeze.
What’s the catch?
iPhone’s digital capabilities will not enable you to smuggle digital weed into Disneyland.
How will iPhone 6 fix this?
iPhone 6 will allow for full digital smuggling into and out of Canada and the United States. Unfortunately, iPhone 6 will abuse its newfound power and smuggle its way into a hostile take-over of the Microsoft Corporation.
“Can I take Siri out on the
date she deserves?”
Much to our disappointment, Siri lives in the iPhone 5 and will not come out for anyone less than John Malkovich himself.
What can we do?
Siri will be able to give you voice-activated sports highlights, update your Facebook status, and yes, make you a reservation so you can take your significant other out for dinner (or, more likely, your mom).
How will iPhone 6 fix this?
The Siri of iPhone 6 will become your butler as well as your best and only friend. She will insist on it.
“Can I buy the iPhone 5 soon?”
In a surprise move, sources say Samsung has threatened to sue Apple over the iPhone 5 hardware that makes it compatible with the super-fast Long Term Evolution (LTE) broadband. This may shift the release date of our new toy back even further as Apple mulls over whether a potential lawsuit is worth being punctual.
What can I do?
You can press your face against the glass of your nearest Apple store and wait until you’re ticketed for loitering.
How will iPhone 6 fix this?
It will include the hardware “iLitigate,” allowing iPhone 6 to represent itself in a court of law, thus ending Apple lawsuits forever.
