Mary Robertson (graphic)
HUMOUR—Bees are weird, right? They’re bugs (gross), yellow (tacky), and they’ll stab you with their butt if they so much as catch you eyeballing their queen. So then why are all these scientists trying to get us to care that they’re suddenly dying out?
What I’m talking about is Colony Collapse Disorder. This phenomenon has caused a sharp decline in bee populations in the last 10 years. Possible triggers of Colony Collapse Disorder include sunspots, pollution, and the poor reception of Jerry Seinfeld’s Bee Movie.
“Good riddance,” you may be saying. “Bees are jerks and not even cool jerks like Walter White or Steve Jobs.” I hear you, but it turns out that bees are important. They make flowers…happen. They feature prominently in Nasonex commercials and let’s not forget, they have sex with birds. For these reasons and more, we have a moral obligation to milk them of all possible utility before we allow them to die of natural causes.
These bees really are dying, though; they’re dropping like flies. Like everything else that has ever been covered by the media, this is a serious problem. If you’re wondering just how afraid to be, aim for the abject terror of SARS but with the moral indignation of something like global warming or Kony. Just remember that people will forget about this quite soon—if they haven’t already—so don’t get any tattoos or affect any real change.
There is one thing you can do, though. Don’t worry—you won’t have to donate any money or put in any time or effort in a real way. You can deal with this problem the same way you deal with all your problems: by eating.
That’s right, I’m talking about eating bees. It’s not as crazy as you might think. You drink milk, right? You eat beef, right? You eat honey, right? By that logic, you have to eat bees. It would be wasteful not to.
Don’t be scared. It turns out you can prepare bees much the same way you’d prepare any insect: toss them into a salad, sauté lightly with garlic or even embed them inside a lollipop for a meal reminiscent of a dusty shelf in the back corner of Coombs. Bees are a delicious, brightly coloured form of protein. Your reptilian brain will say “DANGER, POISON!” but your mouth will say, “yes, yes.”
There are a multitude of options on the market already. You may have seen Bee Helper, Jamie Oliver’s Signature Bee Relish, and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Wasp on the shelves of your local grocery store. For those who demand fresh, local ingredients, you can also get them straight from the hive. Finding a hive is easy; just follow a bear.
But how will eating the bees save them? Surely that would only further lower bee populations. Wrong. We eat cows, right? Last time I checked, those things were everywhere.
So please, do your part to save the bees. The next time you’re looking for a way to explain sex to your kids without using the terms penis or vagina, you’ll be glad you did.
Oh, and make sure to take the stingers out. You could get really, really hurt.
