Illustration by Annie Lepage
Editor’s note: During the process of editing this article, a passage was removed from the introduction that was fundamental to the thesis of the piece. After consulting with the author, we’ve agreed to edit the piece to better reflect the author’s intent. We regret the error.
There are two kinds of people in this world: normal people, and those who want to bed introverted weirdos.
Judging by the popularity of Mia Steinberg’s Feb. 6, 2014 article, “How to seduce an introvert,” there are plenty of you kinky, introvert-fetish mother-f*ckers out there looking to get jiggy wit’ some antisocial degenerate. And hey, I’m not here to judge. I’m just here to bring you some true facts about introverts to help you win over the shy, reserved, sex object of your dreams. See below:
FACT 1: INTROVERTS ARE QUIET.
Like, really quiet. So quiet, in fact, that most introverts are actually living sound vacuums. Black holes for noise. Take one to the club and they will soak up the music and have the whole place as mute as a silent film in minutes. Honestly, it’s a great way to clear a room.
FACT 2: INTROVERTS STARTLE EASILY.
A frightened introvert may attack if threatened. When walking with a group in the woods, be sure to make plenty of loud noise to warn any hidden introverts that you are coming. Never approach an introvert’s young as this may prompt it to attack.
FACT 3: INTROVERTS ARE NOT LIKE OTHER PEOPLE.
In fact, introverts aren’t other people. They are aliens from another planet, sent here to infiltrate the human race. By f*cking them, you are flagrantly disregarding Human Sovereignty and Dominion over all things.
Seriously. Think about what you are doing.
FACT 4: INTROVERTS ARE SPECIAL FLOWERS.
This is 100 per cent TRUE. The introvert is actually a plant-based life form, sneakily disguised as a human meatbody. An introvert can sometimes be distinguished by their plant-like behaviors, such as performing photosynthesis, standing still, and turning steadily yet imperceptibly towards the shining gaze of the Sun.
FACT 5: INTROVERTS HAVE TWO ROWS OF TEETH.
All introverts are born with a second row of teeth, which they will never lose. As the front row wears out, they begin to rely more and more on the back row, known as “hindteeth.”
FACT 6: ALL INTROVERTS ARE ALIKE.
They are alike. They are the same. They are One.
Reproducing via vegetative pro-pagation — a kind of funky, natural
plant cloning — all introverts share the same genetic material and are exact clones of their parent plants. That’s right. You are sleeping with FUNKY PLANT CLONES.
FACT 7: INTROVERTS CAN ONLY RUN IN STRAIGHT LINES.
Introverts have very poor peripheral vision, and often have a hard time turning quickly when ambulating. If pursued by an introvert, run in a zigzag pattern to confuse them.
FACT 8: INTROVERTS WANT TO F*CK YOU.
Yes, you. And yes, all introverts. Every. Single. One. Sexing as many Normals as possible is part of the introverts’ master plan to eventually overpower the human race.
FACT 9: INTROVERTS DON’T ALWAYS LOOK LIKE INTROVERTS.
An introvert may be disguised as your friend, your lover, or even your brother or sister. They have been known to strip the skin off of human carcasses to wear as grisly clothing, like something out of some f-ed up Day of The Triffids/Saw franchise horror-movie mashup. They could be anywhere. They could be anybody. TRUST NO ONE.
Remember, introverts are a real threat. Please report any sightings to your local Anti-Introvert Task Force (AITF) — after you’re done f*cking them, of course.
Annie Lepage is a volunteer organiser for the UVic Security Services Volunteer Anti-Introvert Task Force: Working to Keep Your Campus Extroverted.
