zoe collier (graphic contributor)
Variety sources have revealed that Hollywood has finally hit rock bottom as no one can come up with a new, original film. With a lack of new books and newspapers due to the decline of print, writers have even less material to adapt into films. As Hollywood executive Kate Benson explains, “Everything has gone to shit—even TV movies.
“I mean, even the USA Network—bills their movies as original, but it is just the same stuff you see in the cinemas. Maybe even worse.” As a result, a team of Hollywood producers have entered Mrs. McNelly’s third-grade class in the hopes that these young minds will come up with the next big blockbuster.
“The idea came from the web comic turned TV show turned franchise Axe Cop,” says Benson. “Heres a hit that is so original, and its written by a five-year-old. I mean, you couldn’t pay someone to think of the line, ‘I’ll chop your head off’—that’s just the pure gold of a child’s imagination.”
“The third Hobbit, Jurassic World, and my god, the 22 Jump Street movie!” Added producer Mark Dickey, “Audiences are starting to tire of remakes, reboots, and sequels, but that is literally all the writers can think of.”
After explaining the dire circumstances of the situation to a class of 20 eight-year-olds, the kids were first asked why they enjoy movies. Answers varied from “colours” to “they’re funny and sad.” When asked what the children do not like about movies, one Cooper Hill howled: “I do like movies!” The students were then asked to come up with what they would want to see in films.
“There could be a movie with robots! Fighting dinosaurs! No, fighting dinosaur robots,” stated an excitable Megan Bay, which hushed the rest of the students due to the impressiveness of the idea.
“Or how about a movie with Legos in it?” answered third-grader, Emmett Godfred. This suggestion lead to a chain of proposals involving other toys and games, including Battleship, G.I. Joe, and Batman.
The Hollywood producers grew upset when the elementary students seemed to only be referring to movies that had come out in the past five years.
“Children are supposed to have great imaginations. So far the only plot we can use is the one where a woman falls in love with an alien duck,” declares Dickey. “Wait a minute! Isn’t that the story line to Howard the Duck?
In the end, the Hollywood executives just decided to make a movie about children trying to come up with movies- a kind of Christopher Guest-like mockumentary titled Same Old Crap, said to be released in 2016. On top of this film, Benson and Dickey will also be producing Transformers 5: The Fifth One, Legos 2: More Plastic, and Howard the Duck 2: Electric Boogaloo.
