In a stunning media release last week, scientists at NASA — and a conspiracy theorist from Victoria — have announced that the red planet may be less barren than was once previously believed.
On Wednesday, Sept. 28, NASA confirmed that the MRO — Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter — had found traces of liquid water on the surface of Mars; and, in a separate statement, Schmalex Totes, 37, claimed the discovery of water meant Mars was “without a doubt” home to alien life, in the form of space cows. Both press releases were made public on their respective websites (nasa.gov and area51isfullofaliens.com) and stand to have major repercussions within the scientific and conspiracy theorist communities.
In exclusive interviews with the Martlet, NASA scientist Simon Hawthorne said this discovery was a momentous occasion for space science, while Totes said NASA should “just release the juicy stuff already.”
“I’ve always said the previously-established existence of methane on Mars means there must be celestial bovines,” said Totes, “but the response is always, ‘But what would they drink?’ This solves that question.”
“We’ve known there to be methane gas on Mars for some time,” said Hawthorne, corresponding from NASA’s headquarters in Washington, D.C. “The discovery of water is a natural, exciting development from that.”
Hawthorne expressed his and NASA’s belief that water could signal the existence of microbes on the planet’s surface; meanwhile Totes believes the discovery sheds light on much larger extraterrestrial life.
“Which is why I’m just asking that they tell us about the space cows,” responded Totes, while adjusting her tin-foil hat in her underground bunker.
Both parties were thrilled with the discovery, although Totes said more work still needed to be done to find both the bovines’ leader and their base of operations.
When we asked Hawthorne for a response to Totes’s claims, he sighed and buried his face in his hands.
“This is that woman from Victoria, right?” said Hawthorne. “She threw cow dung at me only last month claiming she found it on a meteorite. My lawyer says I’m not allowed to talk about her.”
When asked why NASA would leave out the incredible discovery of space cows on Mars, Totes claimed it most likely had something to do with “the mind worms.”
She gave no further comment.