The master astrologer is back to help you plan your 2024 resolutions
Illustration by Freyja Zazu.
The new year is almost here, and you know what that means? Time to get your New Year’s resolutions sorted out. Thankfully, I’ve already figured your resolution out for you, based on your astrology sign.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
This is barely a New Year’s resolution for you Aries. This may seem like a daunting task, and also pretty basic, but you should resolve to work out more. If you’re not already a gym buff, you will be by the end of next year. Hello six pack.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
This might sound like I’m stereotyping, but as a fellow Taurus, I’m just calling myself out. Every year my resolution is the same, and every year it’s never followed. Stop eating out so much! I know it’s hard, especially with Uber One, but this year will be the year. Lets finally delete the app and buy some damn groceries.
Gemini (May 21–June 20)
You air signs are always trying to expand your mind, especially you, Gemini. Your New Year’s resolution is to read more. But not just any type of books, read more essays and nonfiction. Your mind is constantly expanding, and with the current state of the world, you’ll be prepared to be the friend that everyone goes to for a trusted opinion.
Cancer (June 21–July 22)
Not to sound like that person, but maybe this year you should delete those dating apps and focus on yourself. You are the biggest hopeless romantics there are, and that is a great quality to have. But you must focus that energy on someone who really deserves it and likes you back. Listen, the person you talked to twice on Tinder is not your soulmate, no matter how much you dream about them. You Cancers just need to be single for the time being, and the first step is to delete those pesky apps for your mental health.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)
Leo, I have the perfect resolution for you. It’s something I know you secretly wish to do: learn improv. I know it’s embarrassing. I’ve done it quite a few times and it’s still cringey, but it’s also fun. As long as you can get past being a part of an improv troupe, it can be great, and if you already are in an improv troupe, I kid! It’s totally not that bad…
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)
Virgo, if anyone can achieve a New Year’s resolution, it’s you. This is a basic resolution (so basic that almost everyone has it on their list), but unlike everyone else, you’ll actually follow through. Eat healthier. I swear, by 2025, you’ll have some great salad dressing recipes memorized.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)
Do you know that online shopping can be addicting? It’s true, I’ve watched Confessions of a Shopaholic at least 10 times. That being said, you Venus-ruled-signs are on thin ice with this vice. Because of that, your resolution is to stop online shopping, or at least try.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)
I know you try to hide this fact, but you Scorpios are a water sign, just like Pisces and Cancers. While you’re more subtle with your emotions, unlike your fellow water signs, I know the truth. Your resolution is to take up pottery. While you’re getting your hands dirty you might as well create something beautiful that you can use over and over again. It’s the perfect activity to take out your frustrations and create a mug for a loved one.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)
Sagittarius, your resolution is not surprising. I feel like you can even guess what it might be, and that is to travel more. Next year, your Instagram is going to make me jealous because it’s going to be full of adventures I can only dream of. Whether it’s traveling Europe or just exploring what our province has to offer, next year you’ll make great memories and have the time of your life while you’re at it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)
You guys are, in my mind, one of the smartest signs in the zodiac. You’re the sign that takes control and does what everyone wishes they could do: make a successful budget. This year your hyperfixation will be all-things-budgeting, and you’ll actually gain some control of your finances.
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)
Aquarius are always on the hunt to keep learning new skills. Being a natural talent and a quick learner, your resolution is to learn a new instrument. While I want to say you should pick up guitar, it’s too basic. Instead, learn something more original, like the banjo or clarinet!
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)
You Pisces are so artistic. It’s no secret that your daydreams fuel your imagination, and because of that, your resolution is to focus on your art more. This could be anything: painting, drawing, poetry. Pisces, focus on the creative thing that keeps you grounded.
