A survivor’s guide to a non-political thanksgiving from a seasoned professional
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Well, it’s that time of year again. The time of year where you take a break from all of the due-tomorrow homework assignments from your professors and sit down with the weirdo relatives whose political views you despise.
Yes, I am talking about Thanksgiving. The lovely time of year where your family instigates a verbal Mortal Kombat match at your dinner table about Republican versus Democrat values, even though none of you are even American.
We’ve all been there. Here are three helpful tips to avoid talking politics altogether this Thanksgiving.
Before dinner, ask nicely that everyone please not talk about their political views at the table
Ah, the direct approach. This is a great strategy for everyone because it’s the most polite. Because I know it will never work, I like to follow my plea with rapid-fire answers to some frequently-asked questions, to save us all some grief at dinner. Feel free to use the following for inspiration:
“Hi everyone, my name is Nicolas. Welcome to the Ihmels family Thanksgiving dinner. As you know — and ignore every year — there are no politics at this table. In addition, here is a list of answers to topics that are taboo because if I just tell you not to talk about them, you will ignore me and spend the entire first course talking about said topics. No, I don’t know why I am a 29-year-old still living at home, and I don’t want to hear any theories on that matter. Yes, I changed the colour of my hair and it’s not because I joined a gang. I did it to attract new friends and it’s working perfectly. No, I still don’t have kids nor do I ever plan to. Deal with it! No, I don’t have a driver’s license yet because my driving echoes that of a need-for-speed driver on weed. One more thing, I am perfect and there’s nothing wrong with me. You’re the weirdos with the problems. Have a great dinner everyone.”
Try singing the song “I’m Henry the VIII, I am” by Herman’s Hermits
One of the things I do when I am forced to listen to topics that trigger a fight is put my hands around my ears and start singing this catchy classic tune. This particular song is known as one of the most annoying songs you can sing. So, if you sing the first verse and if that doesn’t stop the conversation, nothing will.
That will be the last you hear of any conversation. Especially if your name isn’t Henry.
Pull out your laptop and work right at the dinner table
In my family, we call this one “Pulling the Dad.” This is because of the long history my father has of working at the worst times. So, why not use it to send a message to your family indicating that the topic of politics is making you sick to your stomach? Also, for added power points, pull out your phone and start texting your best friend, too. That will really get your message across.
I will end this article by simply saying this: I am not here to complain about how my wacky relatives make it impossible to have a girlfriend without scaring her away. I am here to help poor unfortunate students like yourselves, who have to sit around a table every Thanksgiving and hear rambles of how bad life will be if Justin Trudeau does not get re-elected, as well as advocate for a Thanksgiving table free of angry buffoonery where we can talk about the stuff that really matters: Who’s going to win best picture at the Academy Awards next year.
