Humour

All public bathrooms must be banned to ensure true gender neutrality

Some have suggested that all washrooms be made equally inclusive. Conversely, I feel that it is only patriotic of me to advocate a stronger solution. In the interest of true…

UVic Board of Governors reveals funding fossil fuel companies actually a cure for climate change

After seven long years of hearing the cries for divestment from fossil fuels from students and faculty and many hours of crunching numbers over lunch in the University Club, the…

Western nations must train Gen-Z soldiers for the era of meme warfare

World War III is soon to be upon us, and, make no mistake, will be a different sort of war. Instead of whining about our entitlement or avocado-eating habits, governments…

Downtrodden folk suffering under rental crisis should try being born into wealth

In the face of a dire housing crisis, proposed solutions have included encouraging personal financial management, building micro homes, and enacting legislation. Instead, readers should seek to be born into…

UVic should hold competitive study events, see who can ruin their health the fastest

"Being as I lack the stamina and fortitude to compete in the sport of Extreme Exam Periods, I have resolved, unqualified though I am, to compile something of an outline…

Health- and planet-conscious students must eat only wild plants, demand vegan gravity

"The revelation that our unhappy race has inexorably altered our little blue dot of a home-world has prompted all manner of strategies to plot our salvation, including handing over the…

University should improve fundraising efforts, shake down students for cash

How might modern colleges more efficiently, and with a friendly disposition, extract funds from reluctant current and former students? I have at least observed a handful of appropriate methods, some…

DEAREST READER | A proclamation of the foundation of the Church of Latter-Day Students

Some may look dimly on the prospect of conjuring from the æther a new and mortal-centred yet divine doctrine. Nevertheless, I warrant that so long as midterms, finals, essays, and…

Why Canadians should vote for the sexiest candidate every time

If we have learned nothing else in the time Justin Trudeau has been in office, it is that candidates with great hair and a winning smile are always the most…