horoscopes

The signs suffering through exam season

Aries (Mar 21 — April 19) Your hot head is an issue when it comes to studying. With the Aries season (your messiest time of year) coming to a close, try to…

The signs and self-love this Valentine’s Day

Aries (Mar 21 — April 19) Buy yourself flowers this Valentine’s Day, Aries. Go hard! Decorate your apartment with all the foliage you can find — it will be beautiful. Taurus (April 20 — May 20)…

Lunar eclipse means Valentine’s Day horoscopes not so ideal

With the lunar eclipse occurring right before Valentine’s Day, everything appears to have gone wack this year. From incest to crippling loneliness to possible death, looking to the stars for…

This week’s horoscopes

Aries March 21–April 20 B.C. liquor laws just changed, making your access to alcohol easier. I thought that information would be less likely to make you drink than your horoscope.…

Horoscopes for Very Specific Groups of People: Astrology for people who enjoy camping and the outdoors (I don’t)

The hell we gotta go camping for? Stay your ass home.

Horoscopes For Very Specific Groups of People: Astrology for vampires

You should drink some blood this week. And next week. Probably the week after, too. The week after that, though, you should go on a cleanse. V8?

Horoscopes For Very Specific Groups of People: Astrology for Kanye West

(Not his fans. Just Kanye West. His star power lets him encompass all the star signs.)

Horoscopes For Very Specific Groups of People: Astrology for drunk people at the club

(In which the writer takes a shot before and after each star sign is written. This should be good …)