Spring break is, for some, the fabulous noncommittal period when you fly off to an exotic destination and hump someone with an accent in an unfamiliar setting. Words like “getaway” and “all-inclusive” come to mind as you picture yourself, youthful, fabulously tanned and being coated in baby oil by someone even more tanned than you.
This is only the case if you’re one of the lucky few with trust funds, generous parents or loose morals regarding credit card debt. For the rest of us, there are road trips: the closest thing you can get to a vacation using half the cash.
Now, there are all kinds of road trips: the solo burning-the-midnight-oil kind, the group of friends and a lot of bad decisions kind, and the romantic getaway kind. Being that the first two usually only involve sex with strangers passing the night (otherwise known as “no strings attached”), I’m going to focus on the latter.
First off, “romantic” is perhaps not the right word to describe this kind of road trip. There will be tons of sex: sex in hotel rooms, sex in cars, sex in bathrooms with regrettable levels of cleanliness and much, much more (if you’re feeling adventurous).
But, you will also have to poop.
That’s right, folks. The thing that everybody does and very few admit to doing. The shitty (pun intended) thing about road trips is that you become a being dominated by bodily needs. A small stomach and a steel bladder are your two biggest allies, but who the hell has those? Close quarters mean taking the next step up the relationship ladder and revealing aspects of your very un-sexy humanity.
For those lovers who don’t live together, this is a make or break event. Multiple days in close quarters mean not being able to hide anything. One minute it’s all sunshine and new adventures, and the next minute you’re peeing not-so-discreetly behind a car door while trying to avoid eye contact with the truckers passing by.
But the great news is, if your road trip partner(s) still want to hump you after that, you are going to have a good time. You’ll never look at a hotel room quite the same after you explore all the nooks and crannies it has to offer, if you know what I mean.
And the shower sex! Oh, the shower sex. The only thing better than a hot shower after a long day of driving is humping somebody’s brains out when you lather, rinse and repeat.
So enjoy the ride, and look forward to a summer road trip and a Student Bawdy guide to pitching tents.