What makes a terrible Christmas gift, from experience
Graphic by Sage Blackwell.
What makes a great Christmas gift? In my opinion, it’s an item of significance that is purchased or made to make the recipient’s life better in some way. A good example of this is giving your dad a phone case, so that he can keep his phone from breaking all the time, or giving your brother a little money to help him pay his university fees.
But sometimes, we miss the mark. I have written this article to help you avoid future loathing by providing you with two examples of things not to give your relatives for Christmas –– things I have, unfortunately, received, which made me want to spend every Christmas going forward writing quietly in the McPherson library.
Alcoholics Anonymous pamphlet
One of the principal reasons I hate spending Christmas with my relatives is the innumerable remarks about my non-existent alcoholism. Every Christmas morning I have a screwdriver with my breakfast –– one of the only times of year I have time to eat breakfast –– but much to my dismay, this habit has somehow led to a brochure for Alcoholics Anonymous being pinned to my stocking each year.
So, to the loony family member who thinks this is funny, I have something to say: I am not an alcoholic! I am a very responsible drinker –– I always have a plan:
I have scheduled drunk dates stacked throughout the year. This year, they include my birthday, my work Christmas party, and my personal favorite day to get drunk: single Valentine’s Day. What’s better than sitting at Felicitas watching Titanic on my phone and laughing out loud at Jack’s Dawson’s death, because I think it mirrors my life perfectly? Alcoholics are not like that at all.
Rocks
My brother’s version of Christmas shopping is a little bit different than mine.
His style is sneaking out of the house Christmas Eve, walking down to the beach, picking up plain-looking rocks, putting them in a bag, bringing them back home, and putting googly eyes on them. He then proceeds to decorate them with bows, and on Christmas morning he simply hand-delivers them, saying, “Merry Christmas!”
One year, he sensed my disappointment and walked off, and then came back with a little bit of green paint and painted a giant smile on the rock.
It didn’t help anything, especially after emptying out my bank account on the newest Call of Duty game just to make him happy. It just made me run to the bathroom and let out the longest curse-word-filled rant since Chevy Chase flipped out over his year-end bonus in Christmas Vacation. Please don’t ever gift anyone a rock.
I could go on about ten other horrible Christmas presents that you should only ever consider giving to your worst enemies, but instead I will end this article with a plea: Leave support group pamphlets and rocks off of your shopping lists this year.
